i'm a shocker!

well i've been so on the ball with my posts of late hey!

reliable with a capital R...

life is fairly good over here... actually... it's not all that rosey as i make out..

jumping between hating work and kind of liking it, like a yoyo... there's a few nice ones there, which make it hilarious... but when they're not there, it's hellish, aided by the boss, having it in for me...

i don't do the whole authority figure thing... lol you may have noticed that from when i was back home... i hate having people tell me what to do! (lol yes i said it... and i'm know it all too...)

here being a locum and not permanent, has both it's good points and bad...
good is that i can say anything, and what's the worst they can do... fire me...
bad is that if i say something wrong or make a stand... yes they can still fire me.... but i don't have the right to just say no to things..

many times this week i've felt like telling them to stick it, and it's so unlike me... i'm totally frustrated... and i think it's bringing out the worst int me... i hate having to do the same work over and over again... it's repetitive, and boring... i know some people love that aspect of their job... but i like variety... repetition makes me bored... and i don't do bored well.. and i cant see that changing anytime soon... i think because i'm in this specialist department, with so many options and i'm stuck doing the scruddy work... i knew when i left my job to come over here, this is what i'd be doing... and i thought i'd be ok with it... but i need variety...

i know in my mind i've only got to stick it out a few more weeks... just until my lease is nearly up! but i'm jest getting crabby at work... whih in itself has got me into trouble.. (supposedly you're not allowed to ask drs if they failed handwritting 101... they complain...)

i'm also sick of working with the same person day in day out for the last 3 months...
and i'm annoyed at myself for being annoyed at N, she's the nicest most caring person you could ever meet... and i'm annoyed at her for just being so nice! lol

she asked me today if i was in a good mood or not, and i asked why... and she was like if you'r in a bad mood i'll just stay clear...

it's got to have a bit of being continually surrounded by people.

when i'm at the flat, there's always atleast one flatmate in....
R never seems to leave!

and at work... i'm constantly surrounded by people...

but i do get the flat to myself for 3 weeks in may... and i'm sure i'll be on having a bit of a winge about not having anyone to talk to... lol (warning in advance...)

i was thinking the other day that i haven't been completely alone for about 7 months now... there's been the odd night or two... but generally there's always been someone close at hand...

and maybe i needed it...but i think it's time to fly...

i know i'm still an emotional mess at the moment, way to many things to try and deal with that i've pushed aside, and continue to do so time and time again...

there's not a day gone by in the last 7months, where i haven't thought about my brother...

even now months later, i still find myself going into shock.... becoming so cold, i sit there shaking in thermals, and jumpers and right next to the heater... kind of hitting at any given time...

it's come to a bit of a head this week with the shootings in the USA... and it all being constantly in the news, and in all the papers... Suicide... it's such an ugly word...
one that no one should have to think about...

i feel for all the families of the innocent bystanders that were killed and inured... i don't believe he had a right to do that to others...

and i'm honestly so glad that my brother never went down that tract...
there was this diary we found, when cleaning up his room, that was writting around the time of the last USA shootings, about how he didn't want to take those around him out, just take himself out of the picture...

it's hard enough coming to terms with it when it was just them involved... but to have the guilt that other people and families were made to suffer too... is horrific...

i have a problem too when people ask if i have any brothers and sisters...
what do i say..

i don't want sympathy...

but i don't want to live a lie...

i never know what to say....

sometimes i say well i used to...

other times i just say yeah a brother...

i suppose it makes a difference being away from people who know me and everything, here you're meeting upteenth new people all the time, all wanting to know about you, and you have that option of telling them as much or as little about yourself... as you want too...

but then at the same time when i headed over to ireland and met up with KT, it was such a relief to i don't know.... just be me (if that makes any sense)... there were no awkwards questions.. (well none involving that part of my life!) it's funny you guys know me better than i know myself...

and definitly better than anyone out there in the "real"world knows me...
maybe because i feel as though i can just write anything on here...
you may not agree with anything i have to say, and you may not want to comment... that's fine with me... i think it just helps to write things down, kind of helps you get your thoughts in order (as you can see mine go all over the place... completely random i am!) and gives you some perspective on things...

anyways that was so not the direction i planned for the post... if you're still reading... i'm impressed i totally would have tuned out a few paragraphs back...

i've got to work out where i want to head next in the uk.... i got a call from my agency asking me to give them some idea of where i want to head, and then they'll try find me a position there...
so this weekend i'm going to have a good think about where i want to head in th whole scheme of things... so if anyones been over here and has some awesome ideas let me know...

i also need to get out and work out when i want to finish here, and where i want to travel too... still need to see a bit of scotland... want to go see the harry potter train! lol and bridge... and the orkney islands, right up the top... thinking of heading off on a haggis tour of scotland... (similar to the tour i did in ireland... but obviously in scotland instead...) but when to do it... do i go before i met my friend in austria or afterwards...

got a lot of thinking and planning to organise over the coming days...

not sure what the weathers going to be like tomorrow... if it's rainy and miserable i might just stay in and plan, other wise i should really head out and check out some more of the sights...

the days just keep getting longer... sun comes up at 6 and doesn't set till 9pm...
all the trees are begining to have leaves on them... it's actually starting to feel like spring..

a bit excited that i get to have a spring Birthday this year! yay...

we're all heading out for dinner somewhere, as it's S's birthday a few days before me... so it'll be fun! (and i actually will have people to hang out with... yay

if only the weather would suit the mood....

yesterday morning i got up and was already to go, but i got to the front door of our block of flats and looked out to see it bucketing down with rain... how i missed that from my bedroom window is beyond me... but as i was already late and had no time to go fight with the door to get back in, i braved it... got drowned but by the time i got to the bus stop, 10mins walk... it was sunny...
bizarre!
when you look out from inside it's bright and sunny, and looks like a typical summers day, complete with blue sky etc... but the you get some of the fresh air, and it's like 10 degrees...
refreshing!

anyways i hope it's nice for the weekend...

i'm off... bored you all enough... sorry...


oh and i've totally become obsessed with facebook...
if you haven't already joined you should...
i've become totally obsessed!

so has bee!!!! and i know ang is on there too...

it's awesome... like bebo, only there are actually people on there!!

and i have heaps of cool pics up there too...

my emails alison_clare_@hotmail.com, if you want to add me...