Have you ever felt that mind numbingly, motionless, sensation of fear..
I lived it for 3 months 2 years ago.. Right after my brother died.
It’s safe to say that I was a mental wreck, I was freaked out by my own shadow, and I couldn’t be alone.
Emotionally I was fine, and physically I was fine..
It’s hard to describe the fear I felt, I’m still not sure what exactly I was afraid of, but I still remember the sensation.
It comes back now and again, I still get that immediate shock feeling, with the shakes where your whole body jut goes into physical shock.
more often then not I try not to think about it..
It took me a while to be able to sleep, I had to train myself to fall asleep, I’m getting good at it, and it comes in handy more often than you’d think.
I still think of him everyday.
Is it wrong that I never mourned his passing. I get that we each have our own ways to deal with things, and there‘s nothing to say that each individual way is different or wrong.
many expected me to completely lose it once I moved to the uk… hey it still might happen..
But I’ve always been ok with talking about it, like it happened to someone else.. Maybe that’s my medical training kicking in, how to deal with horrific situations, if it is, I’m glad.
But it’s more this sense of fear that worries me..
One of the thing I was worried about when I first came over, was what if I had that feeling over here..
But realised soon after my plane landed, that feeling of fear, was gone…
Which in itself is weird..
You would think that arriving in an unknown country on your own, with no definite plans, would have anyone quaking in their boots.
But to me it was the opposite, like a huge slab of concrete had been lifted off my shoulders.
This feeling of freedom has stayed with me for the last 2 years.
Except when I headed home this time last year, I know before I left the uk I was in such a state about heading home… that fear of being at home was there the moment I arrived, and stayed with me the entire time..
I can see a massive change in myself.
I used to be someone that loved to plan things out to the detail. That would research everything and make notes etc, and know exactly what was happening when it was happening… I was always the organiser..
If you met me today… you’d be surprised.
I’m not that person., those that have travelled with me will be able to concur.
I don’t plan, I flit from job to job, place to place, turn up in a country I don’t speak the language, and just deal with it. Nothing phases me, I get annoyed but not stressed. I walk around dark streets at night on my own, and don’t feel worried at all, or even in countries I’ve just arrived in…
where as 2 years ago, just standing in my own house on my own with the lights on freaked me out.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this, I guess my brothers birthday has brought forth some crazy issues.
I need one of those Dumbledore memory bowls, where I can siphon off memories and leave them behind.
I just don’t know what to make of me… I’m not sure I like this reckless me that has no idea where she’s going or what she’s doing.
Sometimes I think I’m just running…
It’d explain my inability to commit (though that was there before all this happened), my inability to stay somewhere long enough to get comfortable.
But then sometimes I think it’s what I needed, to get away and live life.
I just don't know
